Everyone who's ever spent a day networking has heard the line spouted from the front of the room, proclaimed in newsletters, e-zines, conference calls, or anywhere else there might be a new person. You know the routine, right?

"This is easy. Why it's just like recommending a goodrestaurant to a friend. Only now you get paid for it.

How hard can that be?"

How oftern have we heard that? But is it really true?

Picture this:

FRED: (to the hungry group right after the meeting): Hey I know a really great Italian restaurant where they serve the best lasagna in the city. Plus to-die-for desserts. Want to go there?

You love Italian food. So do the others. So unless someone is fixated on another restaurant, the group probably ends up at the place Fred recommended. No big deal. Happens all the time.

Then, unexpectedly, right in the middle of the giant dinner, a waiter comes over to Fred, leans close in to him, and you overhear these words:

WAITER (to Fred): Hey boss, sorry to bother you, but can you give me a quick approval here for this charge? Uh, say what????? YOU: Fred? You OWN this place? FRED: (grinning): Well, my brother and I actually. Yeah. (Ohhh.)

Hmmm. Do you think the group might have gone anyway if he had said, "It's the best because my brother and I own it and HE is cooking tonight!"

Maybe yes, right? AND he announced his connection BEFORE they all decided to go or not go.But now, having discovered this AFTER everyone is already there, putting money into his pocket, how will you feel about his next recommendation?

Do you now hold his opinion in high esteem? Next time he offers a recommendation, would you, like Yahoo's Seth Godin says:

"...know what Fred's up to when he starts to pitch whatever it is that he's onto now. And you know that he can be motivated by money or other inducements--which means that you start out discounting whatever he's about to tell you..."
- (from his article in August, 2001 'Fast Company' magazine)

When you sell something or recommend it, and you have something to gain, people get ready and so do you. Don't you? Isn't it like a little commercial?

It's fine when people know that's what it is, and both of you get ready for it. Even better when they know, because it allows you the chance to lay it on, since the listener knows it's a commercial coming on. Great fun.

But when the listener doesn't know it's a commercial, i.e. that you benefit somehow, and you know you're the only who does know this, then, at the time of the pitch, many people feel that little ping. Then they hesitate. They feel the conflict. Arrrgh. Then they just chuck the whole idea of bringing it up at all. This may be why so many people say 'I hate to sell to my friends.'
Does anyone here feel this conflict when recommending a good restaurant or movie (that you do NOT own)?

Most people somehow feel a recommendation is not pure if it is motivated in part by some monetary benefit. Worse, they know other person will find that out sooner or later. Then, how will their recommendation be perceived? As genuine or money motivated? This is the conflict.

And it is a big one.

Many people feel in their gut that recommending someone join your business or take your products is NOT a pure recommendation. Because of the 'hidden' gain coming from it if you don't tell up front. This prickly feeling bothers good people so much they'd rather not talk about the thing at all with people they know, lest their recommendation be perceived as tainted by the other person. Or that they're using their friends to 'make money' off them.

Personal Tidbit:

Before I set up the Banana Marketing affiliate program, I asked my friends and fans their opinion first. A number of people responded like this:

"Well, the problem is, we recommend you because we love you and your stuff, not because of the money. So if we're affiliates, people might think we're recommending you for the money, not because we really love the stuff. We wouldn't want them to think that."

This is a very basic and deep seated conflict for many caring and sensitive people.

So what do you think? When you're teaching new babies how to spread the word about their new business or product, would you tell them that "It's just like recommending a great restaurant to a good friend!"?

Is it, really?

"Have I got a deal for you!... OK. Lay it on me big!"

P.S. We set up the affiliate program anyway, letting people know it was our way to thank them for the endless referrals we have received (and continue to receive.)
For 42 other little bite sized pieces of wit and wisdom from Kim Klaver, see the new Rules for the New New MLMer.